No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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