what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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