are you still at the devil's house?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
