Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
