So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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