Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize