some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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