My hand turned me down
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize