The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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