shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
There's always time for handjobs
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
