why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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