I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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