Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
