I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
