Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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