so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
