i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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