I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
