I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
