i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i will never coherently bang her
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
