thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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