I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize