That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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