You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
