I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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