Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
