Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
