Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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