I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
