I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
