yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just blew my weed a kiss
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
