I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
