my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
