I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
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