remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
