bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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