I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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