y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
