Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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