Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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