i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
