broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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