we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
