I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
