Having a random hookup so left but love u
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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