I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
