Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this boner is exhausting
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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