Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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