dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
