Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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