yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
