Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
