and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
