someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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