is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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