i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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