Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
